by Kay F. Klinkenborg, member of Church of the Palms UCC, Spiritual Companion, Member Spiritual Directors International, Retired: RN, LMFT, Clinical Member AAMFT
Remember the famous book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Rabbi Harold S. Kushner? Bad things do happen. Our world can be turned upside down with one event. To name the event can be empowering. We experience predictable feelings of being lost and overwhelmed. Internally we know we will never be the same after this challenging experience.
Such an event is called a self-esteem dislocation event and it jars us to the core. It challenges our views, beliefs, predictions and expectations about the world; something that happens to make us have to find our way to integrate a whole new set of beliefs and our expectations and how we see the world. This certainly can challenge many things within us and how we see ourselves.
To understand the impact of a ‘self-esteem dislocation event’ (SEDE), I share my model designed in 1994 for my private practice in working with persons experiencing this major life upheaval, disruption of their self and their view of the world. What you see below is a graph of a more complex model I designed showing the core elements of self when they are dislodged. This visual representation of what makes up self was informative for my clients. They told me it brought clarity to them as to why so many things about themselves felt unsettled. This is not a tested psychological theory, but a model designed to bring some clarity to people whose world and perspectives had fallen apart. There is much more to this paradigm than can be explored in this one article. I will only focus on what we need to understand in order to make the best choices we can when a self-esteem dislocation event happens. And they will happen.
Core Elements of Self
The Core Elements of Self can be found under four major categories. One does not need an in-depth researched study to have language for a SEDE.
The self is at the center of the paradigm and note that God is the corner stone, the 3-D Presence interacting with our core self (although at times we may feel that is absent.). We are part of God and God dwells within us. We are made in God’s image.
Not one of the four core elements has priority over the other. And if one core element can be identified as being significantly impacted, it is touching all three other core elements. We are integrated human beings and complex. We can’t compartmentalize one core element of our self from the other. We are designed like a web within ourselves and it takes all components for us to function effectively. A major life event can disrupt any one of them.
Definition of each core element:
Spirituality: what brings meaning to your life that is beyond yourself: God/Divine/Energy or Nature, etc.
Self-esteem: the reputation you have with yourself; do you like yourself? Do you feel good about who you are? Do you feel you are not worthy? Do you feel no one loves you?
Sexuality: there are three components to this word: sex-u-ality
1. sex – the intimate interaction with another (physical or intense emotional arousal); an intimate physical interaction with one’s own body1
2. u – the very core of your being; your personhood, your true self1
3. ality– all the behavioral ways you express who you are; how you dress; how you walk, etc.; your gender (biologically); gender choice **; how you present yourself to others (and that might change in different settings)1
Body Image: Do you revere and respect your body? Can you say you like your body? Do you accept your body as it is? Do you celebrate the way your body gets you through the day? Do you feel connected to your body and can you be aware of sensations of emotions and reactions in different spaces throughout your body?
For example, major loss of physical function from an accident will have a significant impact on our body image. That adjustment takes time. Any physical diminishment alters our body image … that touches our self-esteem … that touches our spirituality; how do we make meaning of this event. Where is God in this? Is God even present? Do I feel alone? Do I feel abandoned? Am I no longer desirable to another person sexually? Do I even see myself as a sexual person after this experience?
Thus, anything that dislocates self-esteem challenges all four components of self. It is predictable. You have done nothing wrong.
RECOMMENDED PRIORITIES WHEN A SELF-ESTEEM DISLOCATION EVENT HAPPENS
· Do not make quick decisions regarding where to live, investments, or other major life choices
· Ask for support. You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Reach out to a trusted friend, pastor, counselor or spiritual director as soon as you can.
· Return to the basics of self-care to help you think more clearly, and not risk becoming physically ill.
Food … shelter … safety … rest and sleep
Don’t hesitate to reach out to your primary care provider if you are not getting a minimum 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep about the 5th-6th day post the SEDE. It is normal to be reassured if someone stays with you, especially during the night if you live alone. In fact, it would be wise so your mind could be assured so you don’t have to be hyper-alert for the next shoe to drop. If you are experiencing anxiety, talk with you physician; it is a normal reaction.
Keep your normal rituals of self-hygiene even if you don’t emotionally feel motivated.
· All emotions you feel are normal. Do not judge your emotional reactions. You can experience ‘double-dip feelings.’ More than one major emotion at a time can be unsettling unless you know that is the norm.
· Self-nurturance is necessary … but it might feel selfish in the midst of the upheaval and chaos that comes with the event. Listen to what ‘comforts you’.
Suggestions: Sit down with feet elevated. Give you body it’s needed physical rest during the day…minimum three times a day.
Drink at least 32 ounces of water per day, plus other fluids. A SEDE is dehydrating because your body is physically working harder with the added stress; and there is predictably some grieving in this experience. Grief work is dehydrating in and of itself.
Feed your soul by letting comfort in. Pick up a devotional book that you have used before and read 1-2 sentences. You can’t focus for an entire paragraph right now. Reading the same thing several times/ or days in a row is beneficial. Many reach to biblical or sacred texts or favorite poems during these experiences. Call a friend you know loves you and will just listen. Listen to music that is meaningful to you.
Slow walk, or sitting on a porch (if weather allows). It is not recommended to return to rigorous physical exercise routines for several days. Just when your body feels physically and emotionally rested enough to return … re-enter with a partial physical exercise regime the first 2-3 times.
Touch nature by looking outside, sitting outside. Your pet(s) are a profound companion in God’s creation. You likely don’t need instructions on how to interact with your pet. Pick what in nature speaks to you…look at photos, watch YouTubes.
· TAKE AS DEEP A BREATH AS YOU CAN! Frequently! This list above is not be done all at once. It is a guide to keep and pull out should you find yourself in the midst of a self-dislocation event. Returning to the basic at any high stress time in our life is of benefit.
· You come to this SEDE with a lot of life experience and wisdom. You are not to know all the answers. You come learning how to go down this new path. Give yourself grace to pace this journey … listen to what your body needs…listen to what your heart and soul needs. You can do this one hard thing (the many hard things you find on your agenda right now.)
You will find you are more resilient than you imagined. You will tap into what you have learned through life. You will learn new things about your core self. You will learn more about your relationship with the Divine/God that is behind the core of yourself.
**LGBTTQQIAAP (abbreviation) definition and synonyms https://www.macmillandictionary.com
1Moy, Carol (PhD) & Klinkenborg, Kay (1989). Instructors: “Human Sexuality” undergraduate/graduate course at Sangamon State University (currently Univ of Il-Springfield), Springfield, IL.