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Reflections of a Children’s Chaplain

by Dr. Kristina “Tina” Campbell

As we walk the hallowed halls with a deep desire to bring spiritual comfort to patients and families, there are times when we must pause to experience our own humanity.  There are times when we must pause to connect with our own spiritual source for perspective, strength, and refreshment.  There are times when we must reconnect with our own sense of being human.  There are times when we must step back and mourn.

As we view a child’s body pulled from the bottom of a green pool, we must step back and mourn.  As we witness teenaged attempts to take their own lives by hanging, gun shot, starvation or overdose, we must step back and mourn.  As we witness a nurse drape a newborn baby for transfer to the morgue, we must step back and mourn.  As we view the mangled body of a joyride gone bad, we must step back and mourn.  As we see the skyrocketing cases of children with COVID gasping for air, we must step back and mourn.  As we witness the contorted physical pain of sickle cell, we must step back and mourn.  As we view the strained face of a doctor informing a grandmother that there is nothing more medicine can do, we must step back and mourn.  Amid panicked fear, threadbare nerves, and lives forever changed or ended, we must step back and mourn.

Finding a private space in the quiet corner of our hearts, we bow and we weep, because we know if we do not, we will lose our human connection and become mere robots.  We are trained, we are hurried, we are present, and yet our calling is to be fully human.  In acknowledgement of our common humanity, there are times when we must step back and mourn.  Amen.

Dr. Campbell, UCC clergy, BCC, is a Staff Chaplain at Phoenix Children’s Hospital.

Weary

by Rev. Deb Worley

“Come to me,
all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens,
and I will give you rest.”
–Jesus–
(Matthew 11:28)

Ahhhh…rest…. 
Who among us doesn’t need rest?? 

We are all weary. 

Some of us might only say we’re a little tired…
Some of us might acknowledge that we’re pretty worn out…
Some of us might go so far as to say, actually, we’re exhausted…
Some of us might be drained beyond words,
     on the verge of being totally depleted…

Wherever we fall on that continuum, we are all weary.

And we are all carrying heavy burdens.

For some of us those burdens might be externally apparent–
Perhaps family or work or church or other responsibilities… 
Perhaps visible health concerns, known losses, or shared struggles… 
For others of us our burdens might be internally held–
Perhaps hidden grief or secret shame or unspoken despair… 
Perhaps unacknowledged addiction or abuse,
     or long-buried resentment or rage… 
For some of us–perhaps most of us–the burdens are of both types… 

Whether externally apparent or internally held,
we are all carrying heavy burdens.

So what do we do? How do we get the rest that Jesus promises?
How do we let him lighten our load,
     ease our burdens,
          and tend to our souls?

That’s a question each of us has to answer for ourselves. 

What do you do to allow space in your life for soul-tending? 

What do you do to grant Jesus access to your weariness and burdens?

How do you respond to his invitation,
     “Come to me…and I will give you rest?” 

One of the ways I respond, when I recognize that my spirit needs tending, is by getting away to stillness and solitude. It may only be for an hour, for a hike in the nearby hills, or–when I’m both very much in need and very lucky (and the planets are in alignment!), it may be for twenty-four hours [or, as it turns out, forty-eight!], for an overnight stay/silent retreat at a nearby monastery (which is where I am as I write this, as the Our Lady of Guadalupe Abbey in Pecos–the picture below is from last night).  

We are all weary, and we are all carrying heavy burdens,
     and our souls all need tending.

“Come to me…and I will give you rest,” Jesus promises.

How do you respond? 

Peace, and rest for our weary souls, be with us all.
Deb

Not Again…What Do We Do Now?

by Kay Klinkenborg, Church of the Palms UCC

Disappointed, angry, frustrated, discouraged, maybe even despair.  Here we are again with COVID cases rising.  We set our hopes and dreams on a different outcome and projected what our future for 2021 would hold.   But maybe, just maybe that is what creates our pain, of not accepting ‘reality’ as it is.   We had no guarantees, no promises, some stated hopes from the professional scientists. But we are in uncharted waters headed to a new land in which we haven’t lived before.  And we’re most certainly grieving that it hasn’t played out as we hoped.

Where does faith and hope fit in this current ‘reality’?  Right smack dab in the middle of it!  For if we allow ourselves to be projecting out front of ourselves as to what will be, we set up unrealistic expectations.  Faith is dealing with realistic realities, so we must practice realistic expectations for the months, possibly years ahead.

Our world prides itself that there are advanced countries with vast resources. But a fact of nature, Coronavirus, COVID has brought us to our knees. As has the ‘Red Alert of Climate Change’ announced this week by the UN report of climatic changes and predictions for the future.  But that is not the only pandemic happening in our world.  Disastrous weather events, fires, massive floods, hurricanes, earthquakes, famine, wars, racism, Afghanistan crisis, the rise of nationalism and white extremist groups in America and abroad.  Are we overwhelmed, YES and if we aren’t, we are numb or disconnected from reality.

So, what are the realistic expectations on which we need to focus?  I offer no panacea of actions, but I do offer life lessons that have brought me through tough times and documented by numerous others in memoirs and professional literature. 

First: we are not alone. Numerous scripture reminders of this truth comfort us.  Isaiah 43: 5 states: “Fear not for I am with you…” “FEAR NOT” is in the Bible 365 times.  Isn’t it intriguing to think that thousands of years ago people were leaning on those same words just as we need them today? And there is the profound gift of the Presence of the Divine in each of us, so we are here for each other.

Second: we don’t have to have all the answers.  Living with ‘unknowing’ is hard and stressful. But it is also a learned art in our spiritual journey.  Life doesn’t come with guarantees.  And if we are learning that for the first time…we must own our naivete.   We each come learning how to cope in new ways; how to be friends and present for each other.  We come learning that ‘ambiguity’, not knowing can be a personal place of growth in our faith journey.  In the book, The Wisdom of Not Knowing: Discovering A Life of Wonder by Embracing Uncertainty, Dr Estelle Frankel reminds us that “spiritual evolution doesn’t take place through inquiry…but meditating with complex questions.”   Sit with our questions…don’t be afraid of questions.   

Third: we can do this one hard thing!  Travel this journey, live with the unknown outcomes. Take one day at a time.  Believe in ourselves and the strength of God that underpins the core of who we are and lives within us.   We have all done hard things before we didn’t think we could do or find our way through. But we did. We are resilient!  We can remain resilient.   And tapping into our ingenuity and creativity and sharing that with one another is a miracle gift in time of struggle.   We can be a balm to others; we can allow others to be balm to us.

Fourth: we need to ask for what we need.  People can’t read our minds.  If we need a phone call or a visit with a safe vaccinated person and share a cup of tea, we need to speak up.  It is not a time to be shy.  Yes, some of us with underlying medical conditions must limit the size of groups in which we can participate; but we can still practice safe health measures.  And don’t forget our technology…phones and internet for some.  

Fifth: claim and practice our creativity that each of us can embody. Erich Fromm, in Man for Himself states: “Creativity requires the courage to let go of certainties.”  We have an opportunity to engage with the ‘extraordinary in the ordinary’ of our daily lives.  From the dishes we wash, the smell of clean laundry, the food we prepare.  Very mundane tasks we think; but Celtic spirituality teaches us these are the moments where the sacred insights and ‘ahh’ can pop open and bring delightful surprise. Creativity is like art…it is merely anything you do or produce or participate in that expresses who you are.  You don’t have to be a formal artist, it isn’t with paint, brush, or graphic pencils…but it can be.   One such experience was in a women’s group I led in Missouri; we had a share-our creativity-day.  Women brought home canned goods from their gardens; a term paper written for a college class; a pie they baked for a sick friend.  Crochet, knitting, quilt pieces, favorite recipes copied off to share. A letter of encouragement to their children. And the list went on.  Creativity expressing who they were and how they saw themselves in the moment.

“In Jewish Kabbalah tradition, creativity is also linked with the divine realm. All forms of creative expression is linked with divine nothingness, ayin.  According to Kabbalah, all wisdom, understanding, and knowledge flow from ayin.  Oft quoted is Job: 28:12:  ‘Wisdom emerges from nothingness [ayin}.’ “ Estelle Frankel, The Wisdom of Not Knowing; p 124.

What we fear about being stymied, bored, and restricted once again is we are about ‘nothing’; not able to do what we hoped for…again what are the realistic expectations?   

Sixth: take a serious look at the skills you brought forth at other times of struggles.  Lean back into what worked before.  Maybe it was prayer, quiet time alone, talk with a trusted friend, reading spiritual literature or the Bible.  Take a virtual walk with your computer in this time of heat waves…look up beautiful scenes and use your imagination to be in that place absorbing that beauty. Grab a favorite book or picture album off your shelf.  It can change a gloomy day into one of joy.  We all underestimate the skills we have used to survive in hard times.  I found that consistently with my clients and spiritual directees.  When I helped them begin to list ‘how did you do that?” they are astounded at the skills they brought forth to make things work.  We function so unconsciously many times, we don’t claim all that has taken place that reveals quite a remarkable coping individual. 

Seventh: it is not an abnormal reaction to these times to need to seek out professional help; even for a few sessions to talk with someone neutral. We are our own worst enemies in judging our coping skills as lacking.  Seek out a Spiritual Companion/Director or Counselor.  Don ‘t expect that any of us needs to go this alone.  It is a highly tense unexpected set of world circumstances; none of us has the map. But we can journey together, and support can make all the difference.

Eighth: don’t be afraid of reality.   Look this square in the face.  This won’t change tomorrow or the next day.  We must have realistic expectations…the hoped for, dreamed about end to this is not visible.  We must live in reality to be healthy and take adequate care of our bodies, minds, and souls.   Living out into the future is wasted energy; now I am not saying we don’t make plans…but let us learn to make plans to will require us to be fluid and flexible in these times.  Learning to ‘be in the moment like never before’ can become a mantra, a sustenance, a relief.

Nadia Bolz-Weber, ordained minister and public inspirational speaker wrote on her monthly e-letter a week ago: 

“Because actual reality is also the only place where actual joy is to be found. If joy is delayed until a preferred future comes about, we set ourselves up for despair. But if there is hope in THIS day. Joy in THIS reality. This life. This body. This heart, then certainly we can prevail.

We can. We will. We are.

Be gentle with yourselves right now.”  Nadia Bolz-Weber

I have no doubt we can continue on this hard journey, find our way, find joy where we least expect it, and experience a deeper faith and understanding of the Divine within us and others.  We can do this one hard thing:  look reality in the face, practice our faith, and be honest about our struggles on this unexpected tumultuous journey.

© Kay F. Klinkenborg, MA August 2021
Spiritual Director/Counselor
Retired RN, LMFT, Clinical Member AAMFT
(Assoc. for Marriage & Family Therapists)
Member Church of the Palm, Sun City, AZ

Grieving Well

by Rev. Lynne Hinton, Conference Director, New Mexico Conference of Churches

At a worship service a couple of weeks ago at St. John’s UMC in Albuquerque, visiting preacher Rev. Scott Carpenter spoke about five tasks churches need to accomplish in order to thrive. The first task was to grieve well.

This focus on grief as the first task for a faith community to grow strong surprised me. Having been a hospice chaplain for years, I spend a lot of time and thought regarding grief, regarding loss. I understand the need to honor grief but I had never seriously considered it as a necessary function for communities of faith to thrive. And yet, grief is necessary to move forward. And if we’ve ever needed to grieve in churches, it’s now.

Over 600,000 persons have died in our country from Covid 19. Businesses have closed. Churches have had to shut their doors permanently. Dreams have ended. Suicides and mental illness emergencies are on the rise. And in poorer countries, the pandemic continues to ravage entire populations. We need to grieve what has been lost, what we have lost.

In [his book] RealLivePreacher.com, Pastor Gordon Atkinson writes about going to a mountain church in Colorado as part of his annual family vacation. He goes to the little community church alone and he goes to weep.

He writes, “I cry in their church because I can’t cry in my own. I’m not suggesting that we discourage crying at our church. I’m saying I am not ABLE to cry there. Being in charge shuts something down in me, I think. So every summer in Creede I unpack a year’s worth of sorrow, joy, and wonder.

“I cry in church because it is my time to be served. I’m like the woman who prepares the meals for her family each day. One day she comes home, and her children have prepared a meal for her. She bursts into tears because it’s her turn to receive. It doesn’t mean she wants to stop cooking. It’s just nice that it’s her turn.

“I cry for those reasons, but mostly I cry because at Creede Community Church I can see the truth. Sitting in that simple pew on the back row, I see the Church Universal in all her glory and silliness. The truth is, we are not sophisticated at all. We are nothing more than children, sticking our drawings to the fridge with tiny magnets, offering our best to the heavens on a wing and a prayer. We are precious, but perhaps only in His sight.

“I think messy little boys and girls praying in church must be irresistible to God. When God slows down and licks his fingers to slick down my cowlick, I catch a fleeting glimpse of the hem of his robe.

“And a glimpse is more than enough for me.

“That is the moment of true worship, and I always seem to find it in Creede.

“And in that moment, I cry from pure joy and relief.”

Do you have a place where you can weep? Do you have time set aside in your life to mourn your losses, honor the sorrow you carry, and feel free to let your emotions loose? And do you have a place where you receive, a place where you don’t have to be the faith leader or the pastor holding it together, a place where you can be served and know the loving presence of God?

My hope, of course, is that you do and that you have been there this year, that you have wept in sorrow and relief, and that you have been received, and ultimately that you have known joy. That is my hope for us all.

You are the light of the world.

9/11 and COVID

by Dr. Kristina “Tina” Campbell

“We live in a city named after a great mythic bird who majestically rises with open wings out of a pile of smoldering ashes, and it is in this spirit of resilience that I record the religious community’s response to September 11, 2001.  Ultimately, September 11th will become a very personal experience for those of us who have conscious memory of an autumn day when acts of terrorism altered the course of human history and thought.  Historians will tell of the events of the day, including the political, military, and economic climate.  It is my desire to record the response of the faithful, much of which runs counter to the dominant cultural perspective. Throughout the ages, people of faith have raised a dissident voice, and it is this voice that is recorded in these pages.”  This is the opening paragraph of a document entitled Out of the Ashes:  The Faithful Respond to September 11, 2001, the result of a grant I received from the UCC National Office of Justice and Witness.  I felt it important to create an historical document of the faithful’s response to this life altering event, and to take special care to record the response of the Southwest Conference of the United Church of Christ.

Bernice Powell Jackson, Executive Minister for Justice and Witness Ministries for the United Church of Christ reminded us, “In a sermon at the Riverside Church in New York City exactly one year before his assassination, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said these prophetic words: We can no longer afford to worship the god of hate or bow before the altar of retaliation.  The oceans of history are made turbulent by the ever-rising tides of hate…. If we do not want to act, we shall surely be dragged down the long, dark, and shameful corridors of time reserved for those who possess power without compassion, might without morality, and strength without sight.“

The United Church of Santa Fe borrowed words from the last homily of Archbishop Oscar Romero.  These words were spoken the day before he was assassinated in San Salvador in 1980: “All that we are and all that we do is in God’s hands.  What that means for us, my sisters and brothers, at this time is to pray very much, and to be very united with God.”

Edith Guffey, Associate General Minister of the United Church of Christ issued these words: “Although we are but one of the many expressions of who God is in our world, we are mindful of our call and our denomination’s rich heritage as peacemakers.”

Dr. John Herman preached at Desert Palm United Church of Christ in Tempe: “This is a dangerous time for our nation-not simply for us today, but for generations not even born.  We need great wisdom to avoid precipitating a bloodbath that could undermine our own national principles of equality and justice and which could soil our name for all history.  What we do need is authentic patriotism.”

The Reverend Ruthanne Cochran shares: “I have sadness within me for all the people whose lives are being changed, work destroyed, dreams shattered, and livelihoods uncertain.  We work a lifetime to create reality out of our dreams, and for reasons beyond our control, the dreams are sometimes shattered.  Whatever happens to the people in New York, Washington, and Pennsylvania, they cannot live in the ashes.  They have to rebuild and re-dream, rekindle our ashes of what might have been.  We have to rebuild, re-dream, rekindle our feelings and be open to God knocking at our hearts.  We can’t sit around in the ash.  We have to take some time to think about what has happened, and then we have to open our ears for another knock at our hearts.  It shall come!!”

COVID has presented communities of faith with many of the same challenges as 9/11, and I feel it is important to record the faithful’s response during the pandemic.  Our response will be measured far beyond the challenge of technology.  Some questions that might be addressed are:

How did we extend pastoral care to the COVID First Responders?

How did we extend prayerful support to our local hospitals?

How did we provide comfort to those who lost loved ones during COVID and were unable to gather for memorial services?

How did our preaching address the fear of illness and death?

What specific programs did we create to address the needs created by COVID?

How do we move forward in hope?

Dr. Campbell, UCC clergy, served as Associate Staff for Social Concerns for the Southwest Conference of the United Church of Christ at the time of 9/11, and served as a Staff Chaplain at Phoenix Children’s Hospital throughout the COVID pandemic.

Rewriting Psalm 31

(the first five verses) by Rev. Deb Worley

“In you, O Lord, I seek refuge; 
do not let me ever be put to shame;
In your righteousness deliver me.
Incline your ear to me; rescue me speedily.
Be a rock of refuge for me, 
a strong fortress to save me.

You are indeed my rock and my fortress; 
for your name’s sake lead me and guide me,
Take me out of the net that is hidden for me, 
for you are my refuge.
Into your hand I commit my spirit; 
you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God.”

(Psalm 31:1-5, NRSV)

In other words…

In my words….

This is what I need from you, God–
a place of safety, a place of protection,
a place of freedom
from those who would hurt me,
oppress me, shame me,
pursue me….

That’s what I need from you….
Did you hear me, God? 
Will you please be that for me??
And be that for me now??….

Wait–you are that. 
All of that!  
You are my place of safety,
and my protection;
in you I can find freedom 
from all that would hurt
or oppress or shame or pursue me!  

I trust you, God;
in honor of that trust,
please show me what to do next.

I trust you,
and your strength,
and your goodness,
and your protection….

Please honor that trust
by keeping me safe
and guiding me away from 
traps that I don’t even know
have been set for me,
traps that I can’t try to avoid
because I don’t even see them!

I trust you, O God;
I trust you fully…
and how I long to be
fully trustworthy in return. 

I know, deep in my soul,
that you love me, O God,
and that you only want what’s Good….

I give myself to you, O God,
and step forward,
head held high,
my hand in yours,
in faith….

Amen.
Peace be with us all.
Deb

Contemplative Practice in UCC: Becoming Still to Encounter the Still-Speaking God

by Rev. Teresa Blythe

The denomination I am ordained in–United Church of Christ—has a catchphrase “God is still speaking,” which means God continues, throughout all of time, to reveal Godself to us, just as God did to the people of Israel in the ancient near east and in the time of Jesus.

For a long time, the motto was mostly used to counter those brands of Christianity that tried to say the Bible is the inerrant and infallible word of God and it is all we need to know from God and about God. And, because we don’t take everything in scripture as the last word, my denomination is known for its social justice “firsts.” [i]

The UCC’s social action bona fides are not in question. However, our commitment to contemplative spiritual practices has not been as robust. Which is why this week’s news that delegates of the UCC’s General Synod (our big convention that occurs every 2 years) approved a resolution calling on the wider church to base its activism on a life of foundational spiritual practices.

Spiritual directors and spiritual formation teachers in the UCC are ecstatic. We’ve been talking about this for a long time! One part of the resolution reads, “Contemplation without action fuels narcissism, and action without contemplation is a recipe for bitterness and spiritual depletion.” The resolution asks churches to follow the example of Jesus and provide times of silence, meditation and solitude to foster “intimate relationship with God.”

The resolution was brought forward by two young UCC leaders—Rev. Matt Carriker and Denson Staples, a member in discernment, both from the Southern New England Conference. Carriker told delegates about a conversation he had with a woman who had tried to bring an awareness of contemplative practice into the life of her church, but found people resisted for one reason for another. Carriker asked, “How can our churches live out both the contemplative and activist dimensions of our faith?”

The resolution is already creating ripples of interest. This past Sunday, the pastor at First UCC Phoenix, Rev. Susan Valiquette opened her sermon with the news of the resolution and encouraged the congregation to balance its activist work with a look inward, suggesting that members consider prayer, meditation, chanting, fasting, tithing, meditative reading of scripture and…..spiritual direction.

To embrace that “God is still speaking” is to also ask the question “How are we listening and responding?” Before we can adequately respond, we need to carefully listen and discern what what work this Still-Speaking God is inviting each of us to.

Rev. Teresa Blythe is a spiritual director, educator and author based in Phoenix. To learn more about spiritual direction, visit her website at www.teresablythe.net.

[1] First act of civil disobedience in the colonies—a protest against an unjust tax on tea; first ordained African American pastor by a Protestant denomination—Lemuel Haynes in 1785; first integrated anti-slavery society in 1846 when Lewis Tappan of the Amistad movement organized the American Missionary Association; first woman pastor in 1853—Antoinette Brown; ordination of the first openly gay minister, Rev. William R. Johnson, in 1972; and the first Christian denomination to support gay marriage on July 4, 2005.

Stay Safe Stay Strong Live Life

by Gordon Street III, Commissioned Minister for Reimagining and Connecting with the God of One’s Own Understanding

“Stay Safe Stay Strong Live Life!”

That’s how I end my Facebook Messenger outreach messages. I need to remind myself and give others a focus point . My original intent was to reach out to seek and give support at the beginning of the pandemic. I just wanted to make sure everyone was ok and let them know they were not alone . As time passed my messages evolved to offering words of hope and light. Staying connected during the pandemic is and was very important to me. What began as a simple outreach, Facebook Messenger became a great tool for me and part of my ministry.

I share words of inspiration and acknowledge the struggle. Early in the morning I search for inspirational pictures and connect them to my outreach message. I continue to get responses that range from “Thanks” to “I really need that today” to “I look forward to your messages” and “your words of hope and light helped me through difficult moments.”

Well over a year of outreach and still going strong . I have moments when I think “what do I say today” and often Spirit speaks to me with inspiration. As with all my outreach, I don’t expect a reply—that’s not the point of why I do it. I share the Love, Grace, and Hope that God gives to me. I have to give away what has so graciously given to me.

Hope all is well.

Stay Safe Stay Strong Live Life

Wait—what??

by Rev. Deb Worley

“I could ask the darkness to hide me
or the light around me to become night,
but even darkness is not dark for you,
and the night is as bright as the day….”

(Psalm 139:11-12)

Wait—what??

“I could ask the darkness to hide me
or the light around me to become night…”

I don’t know about you, but I tend to want the exact opposite–
generally, I want to get out of the darkness;
I’m eager for the night to become day,
for the darkness to turn to light…

Why was the psalmist wanting the darkness to hide him?
Why, if he was in the light, was he wanting that light to become dark? 

I can’t help but wonder if he was feeling ashamed of something–
ashamed, and wanting to hide away in the dark….

Or perhaps he was feeling depressed–
and wanting to keep others from seeing it….

Maybe he was feeling
unwanted, unworthy,
unlikable, unlovable–
and imagining 
that if he couldn’t see himself,
his feelings of wretchedness
would be similarly invisible….

Those kinds of feelings
can make us want to hide,
can make us afraid
of anyone looking too deeply into us,
can cause us to wish
that any light that happens to be shining on us
would magically turn to darkness,
suddenly turn to night….

Those kinds of feelings can cause us
to not want to be seen,
to feel ashamed to be known,
to feel unworthy of being loved….

Those kinds of feelings, I can imagine,
might lead us to want
to be hidden in the darkness,
to be hidden by the darkness….

“I could ask the darkness to hide me
or the light around me to become night…”

Hmmm…I think I get it….

And yet…
the psalmist realizes
that even in the darkness,
he won’t be hidden from God.
Even if the light turns to night,
God will still see him.

God will still see him,
and seeing him, God will love him. 

God will still see him–and his shame and depression–
and God will love him.

God will still see him–and his feelings of being unworthy and unlovable–
and God will love him.

The psalmist realizes that
no matter the darkness of the night,
no matter the darkness of his soul, 
the brightness of God’s love will shine on him still.
Period.

He need not fear the light,
he need not fear being seen,
he need not long to be hidden by the dark.

He is seen by God, and he is loved.
Period.

So it is for us.

May the peace of God be with us all.
Amen.
Deb

Humbled to be an American

by Rev. Dr. Barb Doerrer-Peacock

The phrase…the song, “Proud to be an American” has always caused me to bristle. It was no different during this year’s Independence Day celebration. It has the strange, paradoxical effect of evoking both revulsion and tears of compassion. How is that possible? It pulls in me both the worst of American arrogance and exceptionalism, but also the swelling of gratitude for ultimate sacrifice and high values. 

On July 4th, my husband Rich also was bristling at the song. He asked, “What’s the opposite of ‘proud’?” He was trying to figure out what exactly he felt about our nation these days. I had the same impulse. What do I feel, after 16 months of pandemic, after watching our country go through years of elected leadership that brought democracy to the brink of destruction, betrayed the trust of allies around the world, manifest the worst of the “ugly American” stereotype, and even now continues to threaten those lofty values by polarization of fears, distrust and demonizing others – both other Americans and non-Americans. We’ve experienced 16 months of ugly truths and hidden histories revealed, heard the cries of the oppressed, seen protests in the streets, and what feels like chaos reigning in our capitol, and people dying, dying, still dying – so many refusing the very serum that could save their lives, often because of the insidious erosion of trust.

I replied to him, “humble.” Humble is the opposite of proud. That caused us both to stop in our tracks and look at each other. Humble. I am humbled to be an American. That is indeed the right word.

I am a person of great privilege which I did nothing to deserve or earn. It was the system I was born into, and my skin is the right color. Yes, those who served in the United States military fought and sometimes died for our freedoms, our way of life, our privileges…and I am a grateful American. But I’m also keenly aware that so did many thousands, maybe millions of Indigenous people who died as a result of colonization from White Europeans. So did kidnapped and enslaved Africans and their descendants who constructed much of the American economy and infrastructure yet reaped little benefit, or even fair share, and instead inherited an inequitable system within which they have always been kept at a disadvantage. So did Asian, Pacific Islander, Hispanic and Latino, Middle Eastern immigrants, refugees, asylum-seekers, indentured workers, all who found their way either by will or by force, either seeking a better life for their families, or to escape horrors in their homelands.  I could go on reciting what now is a litany coming to light.

I am humbled to be an American. Some of my forbears were the White European colonizers, some of them escaping tyranny in their homeland…some of them – maybe all of them – bringing that unhealed trauma with them. I am growing in understanding of my own ancestral history that bore the ugly stains of flawed humanity. Yet, I am here and I’m humbled to be an American. For all its flaws…there are ideals that somehow, in some way survived the dysfunctions, the abuses, the greed, the lies told.  It is those that make my heart swell with gratitude. Yes…freedom, justice for all, equality and equity, and the embracing of all who seek refuge and a better life. We may not yet have achieved those ideas, but many of us still hold them, live for them, die for them.

I am humbled to be an American because I share the paradoxical heritage of this country, the push and pull, the fears and joys, the confusion and clarity, the power and vulnerability, the flaws and the ideals, the One out of Many, the harmonies of culture woven from the many threads of tradition. I am humbled because I can be both privileged yet repentant. I am humbled because I am so deeply enriched by those whose ancestral journeys have been so impoverished yet also triumphant and heroic.  I am humbled because I know myself and my country would be incomplete and so much poorer if it were not for the rainbow of earth’s human diversities that are represented here. I would not know God in the same way, I would not know our government in the same way, our natural environment, our sense of justice, the songs we sing and play, the art we make if it were not for each other, no matter if I call you friend or enemy.

I am humbled to be an American. My July 4th prayer is that God will keep my heart open, broken – yet healing, repentant and also repairing, humbled…yet also swelling with grateful joy.