Southwest Conference Blog

Love Letters From the Border

The Christian tradition has a long history of letter-writing. Parts of the Bible are letters written to others and these letters have been preserved. The epistles in the New Testament are great examples of letters written, delivered, read, and saved in the Bible. Besides those letters, the early Christians continued to send letters around as the church was gaining momentum and strength. There are many other examples of letter-writing in Christian history.

For example, according to tradition St. Valentine was a physician and priest in Rome in the third century. Valentine was arrested and imprisoned for his Christian faith in the One God. The emperor condemned him to death on February 14, 269 or 270 C.E. (That part is history, but there is more to this story.) My mother always told me the rest of this story when I was young. She told me that while he was imprisoned, Valentine converted his jailer to the Christian faith by restoring sight to the jailer’s daughter, Julia (who was born blind). On the eve of his death, Valentine wrote a note to Julia, reminding her to remain faithful to God. He signed it, “From your Valentine.” The story continues: in 496 C.E. Pope Gelasius set aside February 14 as a celebration of Valentine’s martyrdom.

A more recent example of religious letter-writing is a letter dated August 29, 2022. The letter was written to the Rev. Dr. William Lyons, who was the Conference Minister of the Southwest Conference of the United Church of Christ at that time. Sister Lika who ministers to migrants sent a “cordial invitation” inviting a group of us from the Southwest Conference to visit Casa de la Misericordia y de Todas las Naciones (The House of Mercy and All Nations) which is a migrant shelter located in Nogales, Sonora, Mexico. Sister Lika wrote in her letter, “We currently have a population of 120 people, most of them under 18 years of age from different parts of the Mexican Republic and Central America. Your presence will be a living testimony of a God who listens and accompanies.” Wow! I wanted to be a “living testimony.” My bags were packed in a flash, and I could not wait to get to the shelter on the Mexican side of the border!

The people whom I met at the shelter were seeking asylum in the USA, and they all had remarkable (often heart-breaking and terrifying) stories of why they would leave behind their belongings, their homes, and even family members to find their way to northern Mexico and (hopefully) enter the U.S.A. legally. Through translators, I heard with my own ears real stories of real migrants.

One of the most striking things about my visit to border shelter is this: migrants spend time at this shelter waiting for legal entry into the U.S.A.; some migrants wait only four weeks, and some migrants wait up to a year. Migrants who wait have time for writing letters. Upon leaving the shelter some migrants take a bit of time to write “thank you” notes to those who had helped them along the way. The shelter has plenty of colored paper and markers and pens for writing. As migrants continue their journey, many of them leave behind colorful hand-written notes of thanks and gratitude to those who have helped them.

Besides the memories that I made and the stories that I heard while at the shelter, I have a handful of these letters written by those migrants who wait. Besides sharing part of my visit-to-the-border-story at an adult education forum at our church, I was able to engage some friends in the congregation to help me with translation. These are a few pieces of just two of those many letters:

“Esteemed ladies and gentlemen, I have the pleasure of thanking you for all your help… In these most difficult moments you demonstrate warmth, care, and affection. You offered your hand when we most needed it. With your help, you make us feel cared for. Many thanks, Cano Reyna Family”

(Translated by Sasha and shared with her permission. Sasha is a freshman in high school and attends the United Church of Santa Fe with her family.)

“Permit me with all respect to write to you in this way. I know that we don’t know each other, and that speaks to the great goodness you have in your hearts to help, no matter who it is. I ask you to continue with this great work… Thanks for helping us without knowing us and without expecting anything in return, other than sincere thanks. Thank you for what you [all] have done for my family. From The Ramos Barrera Family”

(Translated by Faith and shared with her permission. Faith is a member of our Immigration Task Force at the United Church of Santa Fe.)

Letter-writing, note-writing, and Valentine-sending has taken on a new meaning for me now that I have obtained and have read these letters from some migrants at the border shelter. We can all use Valentine’s Day as a reminder to send messages of love (or thanks or affirmation) to those who have been important to us or who have had an impact on our lives. Writing a note (or sending a text message or an email message or making a phone call) might be just the message that someone needs to read (or hear).

To learn more about the ministry and mission of Casa de la Misericordia y de Todas Las Naciones, watch this brief video:

Attributes of God: Free from Anxiety

by Rev. Teresa Blythe

Don’t know about you, but I, like millions of others right now, have anxiety issues. “Generalized Anxiety Disorder” is the technical term my therapist writes down in their little notebook. I’m not ashamed to admit this. In some ways, when you look around at all that is going on in the world, like…

Mass shootings
Raging war in Ukraine
Wildfires, drought, floods, the shrinking ice caps in the Arctic
Lack of affordable housing
Inflation
Political division and threats of civil war

Well, if you’re not a little bit anxious, you just aren’t paying attention.

In our continuing exploration of the attributes of God found listed in the apocryphal book of Wisdom (7:22-24), our lovely Wisdom passage tells us that the Divine is free from anxiety.

For Wisdom, the fashioner of all things, taught me…

…there is in her a spirit that is free from anxiety.

This is also something Jesus — a New Testament Wisdom figure — told us: “don’t be anxious about anything,” in Matthew 6:25-31.

What would it be like to be free from anxiety? To have hope that God, working through all of us, can bring about a more peaceful, sustainable, and just world?

This attribute of God is one reason I attend worship. In my congregation, we never ignore the injustices of the world but at the same time we always emphasize God’s grace and the hope for change. It is this hope that has the ability — if I allow it — to calm my anxious spirit.

Anxiety can easily raise my blood pressure. This morning, as I prepared for the day and did my daily blood pressure check, it was borderline high. So, I took 15 minutes to sit, breathe and be in the presence of God (the one free from anxiety!). After finishing, I rechecked and sure enough, my blood pressure was back to normal.

We can’t singlehandedly make the world a more just and sustainable place. We can, however, sometimes lower our anxiety-produced-high blood pressure if we…

Check in with ourselves. Ask “what do I need right now?”
Take several slow, steady, deep breaths.
Let go of anxious thoughts with our favorite mantra or just saying “I let it go.”
Allow God to absorb our worries and burdens for the time being.

Knowing that God is free from anxiety can be inspiration for us. We won’t be free from concerns and anxiety all the time (we need some of it for self-preservation), yet we can give ourselves the breaks we need to continue our work toward a better, more just world.

Native American Heritage Month…Last Edition: Forming Kinship Bonds with Indigenous People

by Church of the Palms member Kay Klinkenborg, MA, Spiritual Director, Member Spiritual Directors International, Retired: RN, LMFT, Clinical Member AAMFT

The Church of the Palms 19^th Annual Interfaith Conference is over; the Indigenous worship service took place. Likely we are having one of three responses. One, it is with some anticipation of what might be possible in forming bonds with Indigenous people of Maricopa County and our surrounding towns. Or two, it might be with relief that I have learned all I need to know about Indigenous history and I get it…they experienced near extinction from European colonization, genocide, forced relocation, and ongoing oppression exists. Or three, I still believe what I absorbed, heard or was taught and nothing has changed in how I see ‘this group’ of people.

Having just been through our own ‘white’ ritual of the Thanksgiving holiday it brings me to offer a few thoughts about ‘kinship.’ Is that not how God designed all of creation? It is interactive, it is about relationships. It is about giving thanks for what we have that we didn’t even ask for? Is it not about claiming that all humans, all species and living things are on this journey together? Theologians and environmentalists remind us that in our ‘Hebrew Christian creation story’ humans were created last. Not for dominion over all things prior to us…but that the world could exist without us. It is all here and we are connected to it all.

We have been given the opportunity to receive many lessons from our Indigenous speakers, our bulletin inserts about their gifts and knowledge and how collaboratively we can make a more peaceful world of harmony and support and advocacy for all oppressed or silenced people.

Matthew Fox says it more powerfully: “Our calling is a form of “Radical companionship,” both primordial and eternal, in that it recognizes that we are never separate from one another, but forever bound, and inextricably entwined. It is even beyond such catchy concepts as “interdependent,” and reflects a closeness with God and the Universe beyond simple transactions and interactions. So much so that we are not “co-“ or “inter-“ anything, but rather so tightly bound as to be inseparable. There is no “me” and “thee” here, there is no “other.” And we have no choice in the matter, regardless of what we may choose to think or believe. We can’t help being one. We just are.”

Need I say more? I am owning my own ‘call’ to be more intentional about kinship, companionship and catching my unconscious ‘othering’ and working on unconditional love, justice and extending extravagant welcome to all. As Pastor Jim Alexander stated in his sermon on ‘advocacy’ when teaching about the widow before the judge, the lessons are: be insistent, persistent and consistence. This remains a life-long task.

Migrating Home

by Rev. Lynne Hinton

I always hear them before I ever see them. Their call is a throaty, high pitched warble and when lots of them are calling, it sounds like a gathering of excited tourists, shouting to each other from across a crowded street. The Sandhill Cranes arrive every year, migrating south, spending the winters in a hodgepodge of fields about a hundred miles south of Albuquerque, New Mexico. Tens of thousands of them make the annual trek, overcoming great hardships, surviving hunters and pollution, desert winds and human population explosions; every year, winter after winter, they come.

Migrations happen all the time, everywhere. We all know the stories; some of us even follow the species. There are migratory movements of butterflies, hummingbirds, salmon, and even dragonflies. It seems as if there are a lot of creatures genetically predisposed to move from place to place.

Scientists tell us that triggers for migration may be local climate, mating purposes, local availability of food, or because of the season of the year. Whatever the pull, they keep going, generations after generations, migrators still migrate.

I believe that humans migrate too. I’m not just speaking about movements from rural life to urban existence or a relocating toward more opportunities or better jobs; I’m talking about a spiritual migration, the internal compass that we all have that guides us to head in the direction of goodness.

We don’t hear about that migration very much. The news gives us other headlines, stories that talk about our propensity toward greed and evil. We hear much more about our leaning in the direction of selfishness and violence. And of course, we know these stories all too well. However, there is something else in our make-up, something that drives us to a better existence, something pulling us to kindness and generosity. We are made in the divine image of our creator and because we have that image stamped upon us, there is a natural migration towards our best selves, our goodness.

Occasionally, we do hear those stories too. We hear about the heroic efforts of those who bear no thoughts for their own safety, rushing headlong to the aid of others in need. We hear about children, not yet cynical about our species, deeply moved by the suffering of others and who remind adults that as human beings we must care for each other. We hear those stories and we are moved by them and not because they are interesting or foreign. We are moved by them because they remind of us of who we really are, where we are meant to be.

It is easy to forget our divine calling, how we were created, what we really need to survive. Many of us have lost our way, feel unable to make the return journey to what sustains us. But the species is not lost. We still know the path. We just need to remember what we have always known. Just listen to your heart. You will get back home.

The Gift of the Vote

by Rev. Lynne Hinton

I know it sounds crazy but I always weep when I vote. It’s not what you’re thinking. It’s not because of the polarization in our country or that my chosen candidate is not likely to win. It’s not because I feel sad or tired or weary, though voting seasons can leave me feeling those emotions.

I weep because I am always mindful of what was required from others for me to have the right to vote. I’ve seen the documentaries, read accounts of the women fighting for the right to vote. I know how they were jailed, force fed during their hunger strikes. I know they faced danger and harassment and suffered great losses for their commitment to pass the 19^th amendment in 1919. I know those stories of courage.

I weep because I remember in 1994 when South Africans stood in line for days to finally be able to cast their votes and elect Nelson Mandela as the nation’s president, finally putting an end to apartheid. I saw the news reports of the miles-long lines of people withstanding hunger, danger, and fatigue, refusing to give up and go home when they were forced to wait. I know those stories of perseverance.

I weep because I think of people like Fannie Mae Hamer who was beaten because of her work for voters rights in the 1960’s, of how many times and how many places people of color were turned away from the polls, how many of them lost their jobs, their livelihoods, their lives, to get to the polls, how so many died trying to register voters or cast their ballots. I know those stories of faith.

I weep because I know there are countless places in our world where religion and politics disallow women to vote, where the voting doesn’t matter because of corruption, and places where voting just simply doesn’t happen for anyone.

Voting is not to be taken lightly.

This election will not bring us closer together. This election will not cure the ills of our nation or usher in some new world order of peace and unity. In many aspects, we have lost our way in knowing how to build bridges, how to work together, how to put aside our hatred and resentment and create a government and society that allows for differences, where leaders from all sides sit down at the table and are willing to listen to one another. I doubt the state of affairs will somehow become better no matter the election outcomes. Still, the right to vote was a costly one for our ancestors. The right to go and stand in line and cast a ballot is a great privilege that has been given to us on the backs of those who fought before us.

So, make sure to vote; and while you wait to be handed the long white sheet of paper; when you enter your private queue, take the pen and color in the circle of your choice; when you hand over your completed ballot and walk out the door, take a minute and remember this privilege that is ours today. Take a breath and be grateful.

You might just shed a tear too.

Comfort prayer for a friend

by Rev. Deb Church

Our Father who art in Heaven—
and who is with us, wherever we are…

…hallowed be thy name.
Your name, O God, is holy
and rests in our hearts
and on our tongues
sometimes like honey
sometimes like vinegar
sometimes a blessing
sometimes more like a curse
sometimes coming out in a song of praise
sometimes, escaping in a groan from the depths of our souls
But always, O God, holy is your name…

…Thy kingdom come—
in all the places
and in all the spaces
we are.
Come, healing and wholeness
Come, truth and justice
Come, forgiveness and belonging
Come, mercy and grace
Come, peace and hope
Come, love and Beloved
Come, Reality and Reign of God…

…Thy will be done—
as we trust in you
with hearts soaring
and hearts breaking
anxious and angry
grieving and confused,
as we place our loved ones
and our lives
in your strong and gentle hands,
letting go of control
holding on to hope
letting go of outcomes
holding on with trust
letting go of fear
holding on in Love…

…on earth as it is in heaven—
right here
in the middle of the muck
and mess
as we journey
from dust back to dust
embodied Spirit
walking around in
these bodies
clay pots
cracked
beautiful
broken
whole
Holiness
found right here
in the middle of the muck
and mess
of our world…

Give us this day—
today
now
in these moments
in this moment…

…our daily bread—
what will feed us
what will nourish us
what we need
in these moments
whether we
know it
recognize it
see it
feel it
or not…

…and forgive us our sins—
Forgive us, O God.
Forgive us
for our messiness
for our mistakes
Forgive us
for the hurt we inflict
without wanting to
and for hurt we long to inflict
that all comes from
the hurt we’ve received
Forgive us
for the hurt we cause
that we don’t know and
for the hurt we cause
because we don’t know
our woundedness
Forgive us, O God…

…as we forgive those who sin against us—
as we look with compassion
at those who hurt us
out of their hurt
as we look with tenderness
at those who hate us
having made us bearers
of the hate they feel
for themselves and cannot name
As we offer mercy
that we have received
to those who deserve it no more than we do
who deserve it no less than we do
Forgive us our sins, O God, with the same freedom
with which we forgive
or not
those who sin against us…

…and lead us not into temptation—
Keep us from going down
easy paths
of self-pity
well-worn paths
of shame and blame
familiar paths
of regret and guilt
paths that are so easy to follow
paths that take us
to no place good…

…but deliver us from evil—
and instead
into Hope
into Healing
into Peace
into Joy
into Love…

…for thine
is the kingdom
and the power
and the glory
forever—
And ever.
And ever.
And ever.
Always.
No matter what.
Amen.
And amen.

From Deb: Here’s something I wrote last night…as a prayer for a dear friend whose husband (who is also a dear friend) was near death. They are both members of my church, and I love them dearly. They’ve been in California for the last several months, while he was receiving treatment for his cancer. He died this morning… I hope and pray that something in this “fleshed out” version of the Lord’s Prayer gave his wife some bit of comfort last night, or perhaps will at some point in the future.

Self-esteem Dislocation Event: What is This and How Can I Respond?

by Kay F. Klinkenborg, member of Church of the Palms UCC, Spiritual Companion, Member Spiritual Directors International, Retired: RN, LMFT, Clinical Member AAMFT

Remember the famous book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Rabbi Harold S. Kushner? Bad things do happen. Our world can be turned upside down with one event. To name the event can be empowering. We experience predictable feelings of being lost and overwhelmed. Internally we know we will never be the same after this challenging experience.

Such an event is called a self-esteem dislocation event and it jars us to the core. It challenges our views, beliefs, predictions and expectations about the world; something that happens to make us have to find our way to integrate a whole new set of beliefs and our expectations and how we see the world. This certainly can challenge many things within us and how we see ourselves.

To understand the impact of a ‘self-esteem dislocation event’ (SEDE), I share my model designed in 1994 for my private practice in working with persons experiencing this major life upheaval, disruption of their self and their view of the world. What you see below is a graph of a more complex model I designed showing the core elements of self when they are dislodged. This visual representation of what makes up self was informative for my clients. They told me it brought clarity to them as to why so many things about themselves felt unsettled. This is not a tested psychological theory, but a model designed to bring some clarity to people whose world and perspectives had fallen apart. There is much more to this paradigm than can be explored in this one article. I will only focus on what we need to understand in order to make the best choices we can when a self-esteem dislocation event happens. And they will happen.

Core Elements of Self

The Core Elements of Self can be found under four major categories. One does not need an in-depth researched study to have language for a SEDE.

The self is at the center of the paradigm and note that God is the corner stone, the 3-D Presence interacting with our core self (although at times we may feel that is absent.). We are part of God and God dwells within us. We are made in God’s image.

Not one of the four core elements has priority over the other. And if one core element can be identified as being significantly impacted, it is touching all three other core elements. We are integrated human beings and complex. We can’t compartmentalize one core element of our self from the other. We are designed like a web within ourselves and it takes all components for us to function effectively. A major life event can disrupt any one of them.

Definition of each core element:

Spirituality: what brings meaning to your life that is beyond yourself: God/Divine/Energy or Nature, etc.

Self-esteem: the reputation you have with yourself; do you like yourself? Do you feel good about who you are? Do you feel you are not worthy? Do you feel no one loves you?

Sexuality: there are three components to this word: sex-u-ality

1. sex – the intimate interaction with another (physical or intense emotional arousal); an intimate physical interaction with one’s own body¹

2. u – the very core of your being; your personhood, your true self¹

3. ality– all the behavioral ways you express who you are; how you dress; how you walk, etc.; your gender (biologically); gender choice **; how you present yourself to others (and that might change in different settings)¹

Body Image: Do you revere and respect your body? Can you say you like your body? Do you accept your body as it is? Do you celebrate the way your body gets you through the day? Do you feel connected to your body and can you be aware of sensations of emotions and reactions in different spaces throughout your body?

For example, major loss of physical function from an accident will have a significant impact on our body image. That adjustment takes time. Any physical diminishment alters our body image … that touches our self-esteem … that touches our spirituality; how do we make meaning of this event. Where is God in this? Is God even present? Do I feel alone? Do I feel abandoned? Am I no longer desirable to another person sexually? Do I even see myself as a sexual person after this experience?

Thus, anything that dislocates self-esteem challenges all four components of self. It is predictable. You have done nothing wrong.

RECOMMENDED PRIORITIES WHEN A SELF-ESTEEM DISLOCATION EVENT HAPPENS

· Do not make quick decisions regarding where to live, investments, or other major life choices

· Ask for support. You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Reach out to a trusted friend, pastor, counselor or spiritual director as soon as you can.

· Return to the basics of self-care to help you think more clearly, and not risk becoming physically ill.

Food … shelter … safety … rest and sleep

Don’t hesitate to reach out to your primary care provider if you are not getting a minimum 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep about the 5^th-6^th day post the SEDE. It is normal to be reassured if someone stays with you, especially during the night if you live alone. In fact, it would be wise so your mind could be assured so you don’t have to be hyper-alert for the next shoe to drop. If you are experiencing anxiety, talk with you physician; it is a normal reaction.

Keep your normal rituals of self-hygiene even if you don’t emotionally feel motivated.

· All emotions you feel are normal. Do not judge your emotional reactions. You can experience ‘double-dip feelings.’ More than one major emotion at a time can be unsettling unless you know that is the norm.

· Self-nurturance is necessary … but it might feel selfish in the midst of the upheaval and chaos that comes with the event. Listen to what ‘comforts you’.

Suggestions: Sit down with feet elevated. Give you body it’s needed physical rest during the day…minimum three times a day.

Drink at least 32 ounces of water per day, plus other fluids. A SEDE is dehydrating because your body is physically working harder with the added stress; and there is predictably some grieving in this experience. Grief work is dehydrating in and of itself.

Feed your soul by letting comfort in. Pick up a devotional book that you have used before and read 1-2 sentences. You can’t focus for an entire paragraph right now. Reading the same thing several times/ or days in a row is beneficial. Many reach to biblical or sacred texts or favorite poems during these experiences. Call a friend you know loves you and will just listen. Listen to music that is meaningful to you.

Slow walk, or sitting on a porch (if weather allows). It is not recommended to return to rigorous physical exercise routines for several days. Just when your body feels physically and emotionally rested enough to return … re-enter with a partial physical exercise regime the first 2-3 times.

Touch nature by looking outside, sitting outside. Your pet(s) are a profound companion in God’s creation. You likely don’t need instructions on how to interact with your pet. Pick what in nature speaks to you…look at photos, watch YouTubes.

· TAKE AS DEEP A BREATH AS YOU CAN! Frequently! This list above is not be done all at once. It is a guide to keep and pull out should you find yourself in the midst of a self-dislocation event. Returning to the basic at any high stress time in our life is of benefit.

· You come to this SEDE with a lot of life experience and wisdom. You are not to know all the answers. You come learning how to go down this new path. Give yourself grace to pace this journey … listen to what your body needs…listen to what your heart and soul needs. You can do this one hard thing (the many hard things you find on your agenda right now.)

You will find you are more resilient than you imagined. You will tap into what you have learned through life. You will learn new things about your core self. You will learn more about your relationship with the Divine/God that is behind the core of yourself.

**LGBTTQQIAAP (abbreviation) definition and synonyms https://www.macmillandictionary.com

¹Moy, Carol (PhD) & Klinkenborg, Kay (1989). Instructors: “Human Sexuality” undergraduate/graduate course at Sangamon State University (currently Univ of Il-Springfield), Springfield, IL.

Kickin’…Cryin’…Denyin’ …or Grace? The Undeniable Experience of Aging

by Kay Klinkenborg MA, Church of the Palms; Spiritual Directors International; Retired RN, LMFT, Clinical Member AAMFT

I have a pact with my husband and a long-time friend, sister by another mother, that if I am not bathing, not hearing, not paying attention to myself, they are to ‘kick me in the butt’ and wake me up to make an appointment with my physician for a thorough assessment. I am trying to get out ahead of the fact that I might not always be attuned, sharp or paying attention…so I want some trusted observers with me on this journey of aging and transitions.

There are volumes of Internet articles, YouTube presentations about growing older with grace. As well as books galore about the topic. Is there anything new to say?

Why is it the natural process of aging for humans is often fought so fiercely with denial? One reason: we are an ageist society. We don’t honor aging. We don’t honor elders. We don’t claim the wisdom that years can bring to be shared. We are blind and isolate the aging persons in our life. Maybe most of all, we deny our own aging. Authors, Better and Hunt in Aging with Grace: Flourishing in an Anti-aging Culture state: “Today’s culture, however, marginalizes old age, often portraying it as burdensome and hopeless.” ¹

Susan Whitbourne, PhD, professor of Psychology at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst says: “For some reason, our society is very obsessed with pointing out negative aspects of aging,” ²

I wince each time I hear an elder say: “I can’t do what I used to do and I don’t have anything to offer.” That is not true.

Betty Friedan had a good quote: “Aging is not lost youth, but a new stage of opportunity and strength.”

“But if you get to be older, you have survived a lot of the threats to your physical and psychological integrity that have affected other people who are no longer around,” Whitbourne reminds us.² She also notes: through good luck or good genes or both, the old have dodged fatal accidents, premature disease, and other things that kill the young. “You are stronger, and you get to live longer,” “Most people think that’s a benefit.”²

One more time in life, we have choices. Choices about our attitude and approach to aging.

As I read articles, scanned the books I have collected on the topic of aging: three major themes arise: adaptation, wisdom sharing, and aspiring to age with grace.

The question is: How are you approaching aging?

Adaptation

This is a choice. Reality…aging is life. We know it is going to happen, and it can’t be altered. We can be bitter, angry about how life has turned out for us. As if we could do anything to chance the past. That is fruitless thinking. If we are angry, I find there is a need to forgive ourselves of somethings and/or possibly to forgive others.

Adaptation is going with the flow. Discovering what we can learn right now.

Adaptation is continuing to participate in our evolution as part of God’s creation.

Adaptation is owning “it’s not over till it’s over”.

Adaptation is asking yourself: “what do I need right now?”

Wisdom Sharing

Life experiences have taught us a great deal. We have our own parables to share that can inspire others. Yes, our life experiences are parables. Parables are not limited to sacred texts or the biblical stories. I am not talking about having to write books, leave journal pages for the next generation. I am talking about telling our stories and what we have learned. It is also about sharing what questions remain and owning there are some questions for which we will never has answers.

We will not share our wisdom if we do not stay engaged. You get to pick how you wish to stay engaged with other people; listening to their stories and sharing yours. We know that disengagement with others when aging leads to depression and extreme loneliness. Older adults make up 12% of the US population, but account for 18% of all suicide deaths. This is an alarming statistic, as the elderly are the fastest growing segment of the population, making the issue of later-life suicide a major public health priority.³

Aspiring to Age with Grace

This is a conscious decision. We cannot successfully, fruitfully age with grace by being unconscious about our choices. Just because we’ve reached a certain age doesn’t mean we don’t have to stay awake and be kind to ourselves and others.

Experts write books and treatise on ‘what is grace’? When I think of grace, I return to the basic concept I would teach a child about grace: “God is kind to you because God loves you. You deserve this.” Isaiah 46:4: reminds us lest we forget: “I will be your God throughout your lifetime—until you hair is white with age. I made you and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.”

How do you give yourself grace? I have accumulated this list over the years.

Ways to Give Yourself the Gift of Grace

Don’t be perfect, be real. No one is perfect (repeat after me: no one is perfect). …
Mess up, but don’t let yourself feel bad. … mistakes are ‘mis takes’ a chance to try again
Give yourself permission to not do everything….
Never feel selfish for taking “you” time. …
Do one thing a day you’re proud of.
You come learning how to do this transition in life…just like you came learning how to do prior transitions/changes. This time…you have a tool box of skills!
Trust your intuition; it will seldom, if ever fail you.

I share a brief story of a long-time friend and spiritual mentor, Sr. Ann Regina Baker, OP. She died last year at the age of 101½ years. She is a role model for me in adapting, wisdom sharing and aspiring to age with grace.

Upon entering religious life, her ministry was in teaching music. Then she got a doctorate in spiritual direction. I don’t know the exact age when she moved to the Dominican Mother House to live in an apartment. Most of the sisters in her Dominican community never consider leaving formal ministry until after 80 years of age or older (unless something medical happens.) She continued with spiritual directees, she taught classes weekly and she lead private and group retreats.

Ann Regina called her physical aging changes, physical diminishments. She accepted in stride and with grace as she gradually lost her sight due to macular degeneration. She approached her physically loss to walk with the same attitude. She remained a teacher for Monday morning ‘Spiritual Growth’ class for her Dominican Sisters living in the Motherhouse until the age of 99. She was totally blind by then and was memorizing what was read to her or she heard on DVDs or tapes. The day came for her to physically move from her apartment at the Mother House to the Skilled Nursing Unit.

A mutual friend went to visit her to see how she was doing not having a class each week and no spiritual directees? “I am preaching from my pillow” was her response.

What a wisdom teacher! She modeled adaptation, wisdom sharing and aspiring to age with grace. May I have courageous and attunement that I am ‘always preaching’ whether I think others are listening or not. It is my choice about how to age gracefully.

“We can’t control our destiny, but we can control who we become.” Anne Frank

¹Aging with Grace: Flourishing in an Anti-aging Culture (2021). Sharon W. Betters & Susan Hunt.

²Katherine Kam: https://www.webmd.com/healthy-aging/features/the-art-of-aging-gracefully

³ https://www.aamft.org/American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists

https://www.mhanational.org/preventing-suicide-older-adults

Behold Beauty

by Rev. Lynne Hinton

“I want you to ask him why I’m still here.” That’s what the ninety-three year old told me to pray. “You ask God why I’m still here.”

“Okay,” I respond. I will do that.

The existential dilemma from this patient is not new information to me. He was quite forthright the first time we met. “I’m tired,” he told me. “My wife is dead. I can’t drive. I don’t want to be here anymore. What use am I?”

I fell for it, of course. Filling the void with possibilities of meaning and purpose for a man well beyond years of productivity and masculine vitality. I reminded him of his place in the family, the wisdom he might share, the role he still plays as elder, as war veteran, as great grandfather.

He waved it all away at that first visit; so I didn’t bring those possibilities up again. Not this time. I just said, “Okay, I’ll ask God for you.”

And I did.

I have.

And for a few days God was as withholding to me as he apparently had been for this old man. And then one day God spoke. And I was listening. And now I will tell this patient what I heard.

Our purpose, whether we are three or ninety-three, thirty, forty, or fifty-five is to acknowledge beauty, to pay attention when it shows itself and to honor it. To see it in the ribbon of color that flashes across the sky or the perfect flake of snow as it falls, the light at dawn, the shape of the mountain at dusk, the bright morning star. Sounds of cranes rising from shallow water, a child’s laughter, the rustling of dry leaves stirred by a late day’s breeze.

The taste of a ripe berry, as sweet as you ever remember. The touch of a beloved, hand on hand. The smell of roasting chiles.

Surely, we are designed for greatness, for selfless acts of generosity and heroic measures of sacrifice. Surely, we are meant to push and pull against what limits us or defines us and create music and art and build bridges and solve complex problems and be quick and smart and relevant.

But even when we are none of those things, even when we cannot run or hold a thought or speak in long complete sentences and be witty and charming and dependent on no one but ourselves, we can still mark what is perfect and bold and right.

“Behold and honor beauty,” I will tell him. “That is why you are still here.” And then I will take his hand and walk with him outside.